Well, the time has come again..FINALLY! Yes, we are pregnant! After many, many months of trying, I was expecting the worst and was somewhat in disbelief when I got a positive pregnancy test in August.
I had decided in July that I was going to finally see my doctor about my options regarding fertility drugs. It had been a year since Jon and I started trying for a baby again after my miscarriage, and we were getting worried and discouraged. I told myself I would wait until I started my period in August, and then I'd go see my doctor. I knew that it would be absolutely crazy to continue to try to get pregnant while I was working and going to school full-time, but I didn't want to give up in case something was really wrong and it would be a very long process.
In the middle of August, I went on vacation up north with my family. Jon was unable to go. I was expecting to start right at the beginning of the vacation, which was a bummer, but I accepted it. By the end of our trip, I still hadn't started, and I let myself get a little excited, even though it wasn't unusual for me to have extra long cycles. I remember having a cup of coffee one morning while up north, and it made me extremely shaky. We climbed the 400 foot sand dunes near the Sleeping Bear Dunes and I was shaking badly the whole time. It seemed strange to me, but I just thought it was probably because I'm really sensitive to caffeine. By the time we got home, I decided to just take a test so that I wouldn't continue to get my hopes up. Hah! It was positive. That was right after our 2nd wedding anniversary, so when Jon got home from work that night, I told him I had a late anniversary gift for him (we don't normally do gifts...we've always been too poor!) and I told him to close his eyes. I put the pregnancy test in his hand, and he opened his eyes and said "there are two lines. Does that mean...??" He responded quite a bit better this time and was really happy.
I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks, and I started nursing school at 7 weeks, which actually worked out pretty well. No, working full time and going to school full time and having terrible morning sickness and a house, dogs, husband, etc, to worry about probably wasn't the ideal combination, but at least I was able to rest more and sleep in more than if I hadn't been going to school. I was able to sleep in a little before class and go home in between classes to take naps. I worked late some days after class, so I was able to sleep in a little bit the next day before going to work, and that usually helped me to feel not quite so sick. I did feel horrible from weeks 6-9 but now, at week 10 (today!) I'm feeling so much better. Not great, but I can at least get out of bed in the morning to get myself a bowl of cereal.
Jon and I went up to the UP to visit his parents over Labor Day weekend, and I was very sick all weekend. Jon's mom was so sweet and had so much food cooked for us, but strangely all I was craving was vegetables and fruit. It was hard for me to eat the food she made, and I felt so rude when I couldn't finish my meals. I was also super tired, and took several naps throughout the day, which worried Jon's mom. She kept asking what was wrong with me! We didn't want to tell them yet, so I just told her that it was vacation and I never got to take naps! (That's true, though...I LOVE being able to take naps.)
At about 8 weeks, I had kind of a scary thing happen. At work on a Thursday, I had been feeling horrible all day, worse than I had ever felt before. I still attributed it to the fact that I was pregnant and probably just hadn't had enough to eat all day. Friday around 4am, I woke up to use the bathroom, and still felt terrible. I once again didn't think much of it, until I was using the bathroom and felt like I was going to get sick. I remember putting my head between my knees and then thinking "If I'm going to throw up, at least it will be on the linoleum, which will be easy to clean!" Gross, I know. I started to put my hair back in a pony tail, and the next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and the wall was inches from my face. It took me several minutes to figure out where I was and what was going on. I had passed out and landed face first on the floor. I was laying behind the closed door, so I somehow rolled myself over so that I could open the door, and I started pounding on the wall and screaming Jon's name. It took almost 10 minutes, but he finally came in and found me. I ended up going to the ER that Sunday because I was still in so much pain. I had landed on the side of my face, bruising my cheek and jaw, and possibly dislocated my jaw as well. My neck had been cranked backward from the force of me landing face first, and my ears, face, and back were sore. I had a terrible headache and could barely eat anything. The ER doctors said I was ok, and they gave me an ultrasound to make sure everything was fine with the baby, even though there was no way falling could have hurt it. That was really nice to see that the baby still had a strong heartbeat, because I lost the last baby at just after 8 weeks, and this ultrasound in the ER was also just after 8 weeks too.
I started feeling a little better during my 9th week. I would have days where I didn't feel as sick as I normally had, and I started to get worried that I'd lose this baby also. Last time I was pregnant, I had dreams almost every night about babies. This time, I haven't had a single one. I've had a lot of stressful, nightmare-ish dreams that wake me up and leave me feeling upset but unable to understand why. I was dreading my 10 week ultrasound yesterday because I feared the worst. Luckily, the baby had grown and had a great heartbeat! We saw little arms and legs, and the baby was wiggling around a little bit. The baby was also measuring farther along than we thought it would. Because of my irregularly long periods sometimes, the doctor had told us before that the baby was probably about a week younger than we thought, but it measured 10 weeks yesterday.
Every time I go to my OB/GYN, I think about how much I dislike that place. It's not somewhere that I want to continue going. There are 7 or 8 doctors, and any one of them could end up delivering my baby. I don't want to form a bond with a doctor, and then have a stranger deliver my baby. I know that the doctor really doesn't do much except for catch the baby, but still. I've been going to that office for several years, and have been there over a dozen times, yet every time I go, they treat me like a first time patient. They never seem to look at my chart before coming in to see me, so I always have to explain 10 times that no, this is not my first pregnancy, I had a miscarriage before, so I know what morning sickness is and how to deal with it, thank you very much! I'm also starting to feel like a hospital birth with a doctor telling me what to do is not for me. There is nothing wrong with delivering in a hospital. There are so many instances when a woman SHOULD have her baby at a hospital, both for her safety and the baby's. However, as long as my pregnancy stays normal and without complications, I see no reason that I can't have my baby with a midwife, at home or at least in a birthing center. I always said that I wanted the strongest epidural possible because I didn't want to feel any pain. Now, after doing a lot of research and reading lots of natural birth stories, I think that I want to give birth drug-free. I generally don't react very well to any drugs. I'm very sensitive and get sick from drugs really easily. I think an epidural would end up making me very sick. And usually, when there is one kind of intervention in the hospital, there are more to follow. I definitely would consider giving birth drug-free in a hospital with a midwife, if I found the right hospital. I personally just don't want a doctor standing over me telling me that if I don't progress quickly enough, I'm going to need drugs or a c-section. I know there are good doctors out there, but hospitals are businesses. Hospital employees are under pressure to get patients in and out as quickly as possible. Most "emergency" c-sections happen at 4pm (right before dinner time) and 10pm (before bed time). And no, I don't mean the patient's dinner and bed time...I mean the doctor's. Interesting, huh? Of course, this is all my personal opinion, and it's what I believe and feel is best for me. I'm definitely not going to judge any woman who chooses a different option. There is no RIGHT choice when it comes to giving birth, as long as the baby and mother's safety and health are the main concern.
Ok, I'm done with that tangent. I'm excited to be feeling a little better now. I feel like the last 5 weeks have gone really quickly. I guess it helps that I've been so busy! Lately, my schedule has been this: Wake up, go to school, come home, take a half hour nap, go back to school, go to work until 8 or 9pm, come home, go to bed, wake up, go to school...etc, etc. It's not too bad though. School is fun and not as hard as I thought it would be, yet. I know it will get harder, but so far it's manageable. Work is the hardest thing. I am so exhausted all the time, and some days when I have to work 10-12 hours, it's really tough. I just keep telling myself that I chose to do all this. I CAN DO THIS! In a way, I can't wait to start telling more people (my parent's know) but I also want to see how long I can wait. I'm not showing or anything, so I might be able to wait a few more weeks. We'll see!
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